SNP – Where Do We Go From Here?

The elections are over, at least for now, and most of us are taking a well-earned breather. We won a clear majority in Scotland, with 35 MPs out of 59. It’s not the absolutely ludicrous result of 2015, but that was never going to be, could never be replicated. 95% of the MPs available was a fantastic, beautiful, one-off result. Of course, you’d never know that we won if you listen to reports, because we certainly did lose a lot of fantastic representatives in the rebalancing, and that so many seats went blue (especially in my area) is particularly heartbreaking. There is no shortage of opinions on what went right, what went wrong, who’s to blame, who should resign, but I want to look at the bigger picture for a moment.

While I completely understand the desire of the SNP to be all things to all people, and to ensure a plurality of voices within the party, and to avoid the poor coverage that radical politics inevitably brings, I think it’s time we make our stand.

There are a few key realisations we have to make our peace with:

1 – Nothing we do will ever bring with it the blessing of the media. We gave baby boxes to tiny babies and we were still vilified for it. We ensured that most people are protected from the Bedroom Tax, and there’s not a peep in the press. We are never going to get what we feel our policies deserve from the media, so we have to stop pursuing that.

2 – Because nothing we do will ever be covered positively, we have to make our case direct to the people by providing the best possible services to the majority of people, and ensuring they know where they came from. So many people I speak to have no idea that life here is so radically different from life in England, they don’t know why we’ve made the decisions we have, and they don’t understand the different levels of government. We have to go direct to the people by having public information days in small, local communities, where people can come and ask questions or where we go door to door to find out if people have any issues.

3 – In order to do point number two, we will have to learn point number one. We’ve got to make our peace with being a left-wing party with broadly socialist ideals, and commit to them. Land reform. Public health. Sustainable energy. Sustainable cities. Taxes to pay for them, because we can’t talk about great services without the money for them. I know we don’t have control over most of our taxes, and I know that the ones we do have are a trap, but we have to demonstrate the savings people will see because of the better services provided.

Yes, we’ll be called control freaks, but we already are. Yes, we’ll be accused of ‘Mugabe-style land grabs’, but we already are. Yes, we’ll be accused of radical politics, but we already are. Yes, we’ll be accused of stealing from ordinary people, but we already are.

We already are accused of all these things and more, so we may as well actually use them to do some good. Stop being hesitant, stop waiting for approval. We’ve done incredible work with tuition fees and prescriptions, with the Scottish Welfare Fund, the Scottish Independent Living Fund, the Scottish Social Security System which is being built to be a great thing for our society. We have done great work, but we’ve got so much more to do.

Point four – we will not always be in government. Our time here is limited. We must use it to implement as much good as we can, as quickly as we can, because our time will come to an end as the cycles of politics move on. If we wait for the public to get on board, we’ll be waiting forever. People gave us a mandate, let’s use it. Use it for all its worth, and do great things.

Yes, the press will come after us, because we threaten their bosses. Yes, the landowners will come after us, because we threaten their monopoly of our wild places. Yes, the people will come after us because they’re told we do terrible things like feed children and ensure access to healthcare and protect disabled people from Westminster.

Yes, they’ll come. And hopefully, we’ll have made enough of a difference that when they do, we’ll have made Scotland a better nation for the people who live here, and we’ll have honoured the voters who put their faith in us. History is littered with parties who compromised their values in order to maintain power – let’s choose a completely different direction. Let’s do what we need to do to make Scotland better, to put systems in place to help people which aren’t easily dismantled.

Let them come. We’ll have done our job.

For Medical Professionals (Not for patients)


If you are treating a patient who is in crisis because of the election result, please do not dismiss their fears or reaction as a persecution complex or as over-dramatic. Disabled people affected by this are not sad because their candidate lost; they’re scared because the last decade has been increasingly harmful and the result means five more years of that. Please see this post for the research and other evidence of why disabled people are justified in feeling hopeless and afraid.

They are probably in immediate crisis if you are treating them, so please do not minimise or dismiss their fears. It might seem confusing or unimportant to people not affected, but these are valid concerns based on evidence and experience, and your patient had been hoping for an outcome which would have reversed many of the harmful aspects of the system they rely on.

However, as you’ll know, this is not the time to justify their suicidal thoughts or feelings. It’s important that they know that they’re not alone, that a lot of people are involved in fighting the system and that their death would not ‘send a message’. To be blunt, there have been hundreds of suicides, and none of them have resulted in a change in policy, so if the person expresses the idea that their death would ‘show them’, please gently explain that it wouldn’t. The best way to resist them is by surviving.

Thank you for your care and compassion in these times of crisis.

The Disability Democide: The Masterlist of Citations

Many people have asked me for an easy to reference list of the evidence for the democide of disabled people in the UK. I am going to update it over time, because it is too much for my mental health to do it all in one go, but here are the key studies and judgements, and where possible, the original research. If I have linked a news article, it’s because it has important clarifying information and quotes.


Oxford University research linking 30,000 excess deaths in 2015 alone to cuts in Health and Social Care

“After ruling out data errors, cold weather and flu as main causes for the spike, the researchers found that NHS performance data revealed clear evidence of health system failures. Almost all targets were missed including ambulance call-out times and A&E waiting times, despite unexceptional A&E attendances compared to the same month in previous years. Staff absence rates rose and more posts remained empty as staff had not been appointed.

The researchers say that there are already worrying signs of an increase in mortality in 2016. Without urgent intervention, they say, there must be concern that this trend will continue.

Liverpool and Oxford University research on increased suicide and mental ill health. Although direct causal link couldn’t be established because of the nature of the data, experts agree that the conclusions are robust.

“In findings that could be hugely damaging for the Government’s welfare reform agenda, experts from the universities of Liverpool and Oxford said that up to 590 additional suicides, 279,000 cases of mental ill health and 725,000 more prescriptions for antidepressants between 2010 and 2013 were associated with the introduction of the more stringent Work Capability Assessment (WCA).”

Iain Duncan Smith’s tougher fit-to-work tests ‘coincide with 590 additional suicides’

Death Has Become Part of the Benefits System

Original research link: ‘First, do no harm’: are disability assessments associated with adverse trends in mental health? A longitudinal ecological study

Calum’s List – a list of confirmed suicides or deaths caused by exacerbation of condition due to stress, with links to reports from press and coroners. This small set were gathered by family contacting the site owners to ask for their loved ones to be included.

Cradle2Grave – list of some of the dead

Austerity and old-age mortality in England: a longitudinal cross-local area analysis, 2007–2013

Mental Health Damage and Risk of Self-Harm and Suicide

Napier and Heriot-Watt Universities research finding ‘almost universal’ mental health damage from the assessment process for ESA, often permanent, sometimes catastrophic: Mental Health and Unemployment in Scotland

Universities of Bristol, Manchester and Oxford: Understanding vulnerability to self-harm in times of economic hardship and austerity: a qualitative study

Inequalities in mental health and well-being in a time of austerity: Baseline findings from the Stockton-on-Tees cohort study

Suicides of benefit claimants reveal DWP flaws, says inquiry

Government admits failing to record actions after benefit suicide inquiries

Oxfordshire Mind has been awarded a six-figure sum from the Big Lottery fund to enable the service to expand to specifically cope with the fallout from the government’s welfare reform programme. The BBMH hotline has received 20% more calls over the past 18 months from people anxious about benefit changes.

Benefit cuts explicitly linked to mental health problems


UN Investigation and Evidence

Judgement document from the UN

BBC Article on the Judgement: UN: ‘Grave’ disability rights violations under UK reforms

DPAC’s summary of the key findings, comprehensive and vital

Reports from Disability Rights UK: Disabled people tell UN committee that UK is failing on international rights convention


Changes to PIP/ESA and the Processes of Assessment

Nearly half of PIP reviews saw award cut, according to unpublished DWP figures

Statements submitted to MPs have provided further evidence of widespread dishonesty among healthcare professionals who carry out disability benefit assessments, but their inquiry has had to be abandoned because of the prime minister’s decision to call a general election.

Election forces MPs to abandon PIP inquiry, but evidence backs up dishonesty claims

Appalled disabled activists have warned the British Medical Association (BMA) that it will be “complicit” in the future deaths of patients, after the doctors’ union refused to speak out about “very dangerous” new benefit rules affecting severely-ill claimants.

BMA ‘will be complicit in future deaths’, after silence on ‘fit note’ rules

Delays and disarray shatter lives of new disability claimants

Political Party Responses

‘Shabby’ Labour fails again on disability rights, after abstaining on PIP cuts vote


In Defence of Claire Heuchan’s Article – from a Scottish Nationalist

It’s been a strange few days. Bizarre attacks from the Labour conference and some money pages (who seem to believe that the Pound plunging is to do with a vague possibility of Indyref2 rather than the actual statements that people will begin to be deported from the UK within weeks, and Freedom of Movement is over), and we’re a bit raw. However, I think that the current target of ire doesn’t deserve what has headed her way.

Unfortunately, by now, I think that Claire Heuchan has probably had every dire belief about Scottish nationalists confirmed by the extremist wing of Twitter, who cannot find it in themselves to respond thoughtfully to any perceived slight, real or conspiracy theory. I fear that even the more measured among us will respond with hurt and anger to her piece, rather than looking at it for what it is.

For full disclosure, I think there are certain key aspects that she has wrong. I’ll get to them, but first I want to say this:

Racism in Scotland still has to be among our top priorities – especially countering the ubiquitous type of racism borne out of ignorance and a lack of understanding of structural privilege. Most people still labour under the illusion that we are not an inherently racist society because most of us don’t know anyone who would ever use the n-word or other such racial slurs. So I fully back her assertions that we (as all progressive white people) can be self-congratulatory because we don’t know the extent of our own biases. I just don’t think that has anything to do with civic nationalism – I think it’s entirely to do with white people who haven’t learned about structural racism and inherent bias. That takes time. But I am almost entirely certain that, while the UK slides backwards towards glorying in the Empire, the Scottish nationalist movement I’ve been part of for the last few years will continue to try to be better than it was yesterday. Not everyone, and not always, and we’ll mess up a bunch of times on the way, but we are trying.
Of course, I’m also sadly certain that the writer will now be faced with some of the worst people on our side, and so it’s unlikely that she will see this side of it. Yes, unionist tweeters are just as horrific, but that doesn’t in any way make our lot doing it ok. She is a black woman who has experienced racism in Scotland. If we really want to be better, it’s up to us to run interference between her and the people who will react to her article with slurs and vitriol. That’s where I’ve been, trying to counter the people leading charges against the Guardian and Ms. Heuchan herself. I understand the frustration people have with the continual misrepresentation of civic nationalism as analogous to ethnic nationalism, but if we truly want to see the Scotland we strive for, we should be listening to the BME members of our communities who speak up about racism in Scotland, in whatever form. We might disagree with some of her conclusions, but we should disagree with them after actually considering them and checking that we’re not rejecting a useful insight out of hand because of our own biases.
As for where I disagree or want to give additional context:

Scotland exists in a bizarre overlap; we are both colonised and coloniser. Our culture, history and languages were crushed and erased until there was only the barest few stereotypes surviving, and they were defanged and stripped of political meaning. It is only in the last couple of decades that the long centuries of people trying to keep the shreds of our identity together have been vindicated in any way, by a restoration of our history and the recognition of our languages. But all this effort is met with resistance and the cry that to teach Scottish history in Scotland instead of exclusively English history is ‘the politics of grievance’, as if there is no political element to learning the history of feudalism and kings and 1066 et al, but spending a day or so on the Clearances or the clan system or the Convenanters is ‘Salmond’s attempts at brainwashing children to hate England’ (a quote from a person I met while campaigning for the Referendum).

But yes, we have erased our history of slave-owning and union-busting and racism, and our part in the Empire. It could be argued that, by the time those things were common in Scotland, we were entirely the Union’s, and so our erasure matches the erasure of the crimes of the Empire et al from the general education of British people. But yes, we absolutely do need to face the fact that Empire wasn’t only the tool of England and that we have slavers’ blood in our veins too. It was deeply complicated, with forced migrations from Scotland, but it happened.
And we are no idyllic, racism-free society. I don’t know many people who would claim that, but I know there are plenty of racists in our country, and that our institutions are still inherently racist at their heart, just as they are also still misogynist. Society itself is still racist. We are not immune from that. There are vast swathes of people across the world who believe that being the victim of one type of oppression means they cannot be complicit in the oppression of other people. See: transphobic gay men, disabled people who believe immigrants are why our services are being cut, white feminists who think we understand the totality of the experience of sexism. This is why intersectionality theory exists, and why it is so crucial to understanding the world. Scots who feel oppressed by the Westminster government are still fully capable of being part of the structural oppression of other marginalised groups, whether they are conscious of it or not. So when it’s pointed out, we have to listen, or we are lost.
But this is where I part ways with Ms Heuchan – exceptionalism isn’t the issue. We don’t believe we are naturally, inherently better than England. We do not believe that Scotland is a utopia of equality and diversity. Where the difference lies, and what makes the heart of civic nationalism beat, is the desire to be better than we have been. To do better. To be fairer, more open, more equal. If we were mired in exceptionalism, we would believe that the work was already done, that we have no need of investigation or policy to address these issues, because we would believe ourselves to already be free and meritocratic. But we know we are not.
We know that we are rebuilding our identity from the shreds of history which survived, and we are trying to build it to be better than it was, than it is right now. We have made long strides away from our history of both colonisation and imperialism, but we bear the scars still. We don’t always succeed, but we try to look at our society straight on, and figure out what we can do better, which is why the Yes campaign had so many subgroups made up of people from different marginalised communities, and so many groups for people of different ethnic origins. We all worked together, and we try (not always successfully) to address our own biases when we organise. There are still too many people in Scotland who believe we already live in a meritocracy, but there are so many people in government and in our society who know that we don’t, and are trying to fix that.
So no, I don’t think there is an equivalence to make between racism and civic nationalism. I think her admittance that she doesn’t understand why we want independence from the Union while seeking to stay in the EU reveals how little she understands about why we want to leave the UK. We don’t want to be dragged backwards, away from the progress we’ve made. We may still have a long way to go, but I genuinely don’t understand how she could believe that we are not further on than England.
I wish that I could have this discussion with Ms Heuchan herself, but I think she’ll probably have had enough of us nationalists by now, and understandably so.  If I could, I would say to her – Thank you for your insight, and I hope that Scotland does continue to fight for equality and fairness.  I hope that we continue to look at ourselves to see where we can do better. I hope that we can teach our society to see its own biases and accept its own history, and from there accept responsibility for where we are today.

Civic nationalism is a double-edged sword. It means you get to be proud of what the country achieves because you have played a part in it, but it also means taking responsibility for the things which need to change, because you play a part in how things are right now.

I hope that some of the people reading this who might have reacted with anger might react with a little more nuance. I’m going back to Twitter to try to calm the flames a little, because it’s our responsibility to deal with the people on our own side.

Meet The New Boss, Definitely Not The Same As The Old Boss

Eight years ago, I watched the live stream of Obama’s inauguration while chatting online to my friends across the world. Through the whole ceremony, I was holding my breath, waiting for what I believed to be the not unlikely gunshot. When the festivities ended, and it became clear that Obama had been allowed to take office, it finally became real for me.

During the ceremony, in between making jokes and sharing the emotional weight of an event as seminal as the swearing in of the first Black president of the US, I wrote a long letter. In my flair for melodrama, I tend to write letters to the future, creating space to imagine what the world will be like when they’re read, who I hope to be. This one, unusually, was to the children I hoped to have.

I found the letter a few years ago, and it made me sad. It was so full of hope. So sure that this was a turning point in the world – that if America, a country founded on racist ideology and with racism encoded into every structure of every institution, could elect a Black president, then maybe we had reached the point where the tide raises all boats.

I wrote to my potential children about how I hoped they lived in a world where the idea of a Black president was not unusual, not unlikely. I hoped they lived in a culture where the idea that we were surprised was bizarre. I hoped they understood the weight of this moment that I was experiencing, as I watched the faces of people who had lived under the Jim Crow laws and marched, been beaten bloody and broken, for the right to just be part of the society they lived in. The people who had been born without the right to vote, now watching a Black man take the stage and swear to give his life over to the country that finally seemed like it might be worthy of him.

I wrote that they should understand that it wasn’t just that he was Black.  We were also watching the end of the nightmare that was the Presidency of George W Bush, an administration which had plunged the world into perpetual war for profit and destroyed the image of the US in the wider world.  The world had changed in so many ways since he took office in the opening days of the new millennium, and it seemed darker, scarier, more unstable. We knew that Obama could not live up to the weight of hype that had raised him to the highest office, but we hoped that he would restore the balance, heal the divisions. We hoped he would be a beacon.

In his inaugural address, while I held my breath, I cried as he spoke about closing Guantanamo, protecting whistleblowers, restoring justice to the country, creating inclusion where it didn’t exist. Of course they were pretty words – he was always a skilled orator – but he seemed like he was committed to them.

Of course, we all know how his presidency turned out.  He did restore the image of the US – maybe not to its original place, but at least to a position where they were not seen as an actively hostile threat to world peace. At least for a few years. As the consequences of the wars became clear, the people who had warned about the cost of entering wars without clear goals and without clear plans for reconstruction and responsibility were vindicated in the most terrible ways. The rise of the death cults was entirely predictable. Sadly, the response from Obama was to increase exponentially the extrajudicial assassinations of whole families in other countries. He expanded the surveillance network which was exposed by Edward Snowden, he created an army of drones which spread terror and death across the world. I cannot pretend to know the weight of the decisions he had to take. I know I could never make them. I know I would be crushed by the responsibility, and I am not privy to the intelligence he was shown or the advice he was given. It’s easy for me to judge him for his choices in these matters, not having the full picture. However, it’s also right to judge him for them, because they are his responsibility, for good or ill.

Through it all, though, it was clear that he did not take these decisions lightly.  However much I might have disagreed with him, I never doubted that his choices were made based on evidence, reason and serious examination. The world has changed, and the actions of the President have changed with it.

Tonight, the last night he will be President, I am haunted by a song I heard before the election.  It has been haunting me since the results came in, but particularly in the last few weeks. Sara Bareilles was asked to write a song about how the outgoing President sees his replacement, with Leslie Odom Jr singing it.

You ask am I angry?
And I’m at a loss for words
After all we’ve done
Every battle hard won
Every hair gone gray
In the name of this place
In a history plagued
With incredible mistakes
Still I pledge my allegiance to these
United divided States

I’m at a loss for words. I genuinely can’t imagine how Obama must feel tonight, about the hand the office and the weight of responsibility to a man supremely unfit and unprepared. To a man who cannot be trusted not to hand the keys to their mortal enemy. To a man who celebrates his vacuity, bigotry and malice. I cannot imagine how it must feel to have given his life and his health to the country he loves, only to watch that country betray everything his own ascendancy was supposed to represent. I think about ‘Hamilton’, and George Washington’s desperate desire to ensure that the country he had sacrificed so much for was capable of continuing without him. I’m at a loss for words.

I want to talk about tomorrow, about the marches being held across America, and across the world in solidarity. Every major city in Scotland is having a protest to stand with the women in Washington, with all the marginalised people at risk from this nightmare.

I look back at the letter I wrote, about my hope that the world would never again know a president like George W Bush, would never succumb to ignorance and fear again. I could not have imagined that the inauguration I watched was certainly a turning point, just one where people were so furious that a Black man could be in charge that they would choose annihilation over progress. I could not have imagined that I would never feel nostalgia for W, that I would ever consider the mass murderer at least a person who wanted to be seen as a good man.

I have no idea what the next few years will bring for any of us. I don’t know if I’ll write anything tomorrow, partly because to imagine the future is an exercise in nihilism right now. My newsfeed tonight juxtaposed these two stories. The first, by Connie Schultz, about how the fact that Obama’s interview about his love of books included mention of a gift he gave to his daughter – a Kindle loaded with the books which shaped him and which he thought would help her be the best, strongest version of herself – revealed just how wide the gulf between the outgoing and incoming presidents truly is.
The second was a piece about how Trump spoke in an interview about how troubled teens are great in bed, talking about fucking the 18 year old Lindsay Lohan. He was 58 at the time.


I don’t know how to counter people who aren’t working from a baseline of reason and a concept of the common good. I don’t know how to reach people who don’t care about who they hurt as long as it’s funny or they get what they want. I don’t know how to convince people who refuse to engage with not just facts, but what facts actually are.


I don’t know how the next few years will go. I don’t know how the next week will go. I stand with everyone who is afraid and I will fight the good fight with my last breath. I wish I had wisdom to offer or comfort to give, but all I have is the knowledge that I know fierce, passionate, angry, wonderful people who will listen and learn and resist. That might be enough.

Hogmanay 2016

I miss the traditions of my childhood on nights like this. Hogmanay has always made me melancholy, but this is the kind of year when spinning until I’m dizzy and laughing, shoeless, care about hair and makeup long forgotten, at a ceilidh with the people I love would be healing. When we would see the bells in, then the adults would stumble from house to house carrying gifts of whisky, food and coal, children sleepy-eyed and trying hard to stay awake to greet the First Footers.

Then we’d all gather after a long sleep to eat party food – vol-au-vents, bhajis, samosas, cheese, grapes, salad – at our house, laughing and drinking again and nursing sore feet and hangovers, showing off the bruises on our arms from Strip the Willow.

These are the traditions that bind communities together, which start the year off with joy, laughter, giving, and a lot of love. I don’t think that it’s the loss of these traditions which has doomed us, but this is one of those years where it would be comforting.

I’m lucky – I’m with people I love in a warm, safe home, surrounded by cats and waiting for lasagne and wine.  It’s the ideal Hogmanay for my grown up self – no crowds, no rain, no drunken strangers, just warmth and games and love. The melancholy is strong, though, although I think it’ll fade when the games start.

This has been a bruiser of a year. We are all still in a state of shock, I think. We’re still waiting for whatever fix is going to come to save us from our actions, even if we intellectually know that no saviour is coming. We did this to ourselves.  Unfortunately, we also did it to everyone else – people who never had any say in our decisions will pay for them with their lives and futures.

Our grief for the long litany of the dead, while painful, is in many ways a sublimation of our horror at the huge machinations of states and powers.  We can’t grieve for the future of the human race because doing so would mean accepting that there is no hope, so we grieve for the people we see as representative of the future we thought we’d have.

I’m hoping against hope that I’ll see this as laughably hyperbolic next year. I hope so.  It’ll be much easier than today was, reading the following Facebook memory:

Things I’d like to see a little more of in 2016 than we did this year:

1 – Excitement about science, including the boring stuff, and some more discussion about what makes science robust and how retractions and negative results are just as important as shiny new discoveries. I’d like to see the bridge between the scientific and the lay communities started, because right now it’s only made up of journalists looking for the most sensational way to interpret something.

I’d love a scientist to normal person dictionary, which would mostly be made up of ‘scientist: this is quite robust evidence, and while certainty doesn’t exist, we believe we have reached a consensus on the import of this data’, in lay person, means ‘holy fucking shit you guys we have to do something right now or we’re all going to die’.

2 – An appreciation of nuance in debates. There are some things which are black and white, but many ,more which only appear so. I’d very much like to see an understanding that there is a real difference between people who are malicious or wilfully ignorant, and people who are just programmed by the culture which we rage against for programming people.

I’d love to see more empathy for how hard it is to step outside that world view and understand that you have done harm to people – our brains are set up specifically to avoid seeing ourselves as the bad guy, and it requires compassion and patience to overcome that. It’s also really hard to do that while under siege from the entire internet, which just puts you into survival mode instead of learning mode.

I’ve been as guilty of it as everyone else – we can’t say that these things aren’t important when they’re symbols of a culture which is doing real, visceral harm, but we can modify our responses depending on the person we’re angry with. Rather than destroying the lives of ordinary people who make missteps, even egregious ones, because they don’t know any better, maybe we could try to remember all the ways in which we are still ignorant and doing harm, and how much we could all be fighting for each other instead of with each other.

And as part of that, I’d like to see people trying to bring nuance into these discussion instead of saying ‘burn the witch’ not villified as being on the side of the oppressor. For people who say we’re not a hive mind, we certainly like to act like we are. It’s the most human thing in the world to want to feel superior, smarter, better, more moral. It’s harder to try to figure out if a person is bad or just uneducated, if they could be a better person with compassion instead of shame. It’s hard, too, to understand that two people can both be good people even when we disagree on important stuff. It’s getting harder. I’d like to not see that disappear entirely.

3 – I’d like to see the long, hard fights acknowledged like the short, popular ones are. There are so many people working away behind the scenes, in so many roles. These are long, thankless, painful, often hopeless struggles for justice and liberation, because most of the really intractable problems can’t be solved by a petition or a hashtag. There’s room for both types of activism, but I’d love to see the people doing the complex, long-term work as reported on as the meme-of-the-day.

4 – I hope we can step back from the abyss. We seem to have found ourselves at a precipice, and I hope that we can include compassion and empathy in our outrage, or we’ll leave ourselves with nowhere to meet the other side in discussion and understanding.

I hope I remember this in my own interactions. I hope I am a better person this time next year than I am right now. I hope I’m happier, and that the world looks brighter. I hope. Still.

If I can look back at this piece with laughter, I’ll be thrilled. But this is the first year my fear for the future has not been purely my mental illness speaking.  It’s hard to control my OCD catastrophism when the world is confirming all my fears. It is hard to look with any hope at the future coming for us all.

So, as the good existentialist I am, I am going to keep going with one of my principles – if nothing matters, everything matters. There is no inherent meaning to the universe, no great plan, no reason for all that is happening to us. So, in the absence of grander plans, every small act of kindness matters. Helping people matters. Being compassionate to people matters. It’s all there is in this dark world. What we do for each other creates the meaning we’re looking for.

Or, from Angel:

Angel: Well, I guess I kinda worked it out. If there’s no great glorious end to all this, if nothing we do matters… , then all that matters is what we do. ‘Cause that’s all there is. What we do. Now. Today. I fought for so long, for redemption, for a reward, and finally just to beat the other guy, but I never got it.

Kate Lockley: And now you do?

Angel: Not all of it. All I wanna do is help. I wanna help because, I don’t think people should suffer as they do. Because, if there’s no bigger meaning, then the smallest act of kindness is the greatest thing in the world.

Kate Lockley: Yikes. It sounds like you’ve had an epiphany.

Angel: I keep saying that, but nobody’s listening.

So I’m reminiscing about some of my favourite memories from a dark year, and here’s to the small moments of grace, love and kindness we’ll find time for in the year to come. I hope we see another Hogmanay, I hope we fight as hard as we can for the better world we can create, I hope we don’t forget our responsibilities to each other. I hope we remember that we are the only ones who can save ourselves, so we should get to work.

I hope your Hogmanay is joyful and filled with love. I hope your 2017 brings better days. I hope that you find ways to bring better days to others, if you can.

A guid New Year tae ane an a’.

Night on the beach in Elie, Scotland